childhood

Growing up i didnt have the best childhood but it wasnt the worst either . I grew up in a home with both my parents yet it wasnt always the typical family home. My mom and dad done alot of drugs when i was a kid and i grew up fast taking care of myself and later my brother too dad was in and out of jail so much and mama had alot of problems not just being on the drugs but depression.  I rember before school going to a daycare i hated while mom worked. I also rember going to a babysitter i hated while my dad worked.  Mom and dad both fought physically and mentally some of the violence replays why i cant stand yelling or arguing today . I was told from a young age what and who i needed to be and i had to always make everyone else happy instead of being myself and thats exactly what i done and i have continued to do 23 years until today not that i havent started the process earlier but ive had so many set backs i had a very bad breakdown in 2019 which started a almost 3 year struggle of me being by myself or going and doing anything on my own i was terrified of it happening again nobody understood what i was going through and i tried my hardest to accept and move on from it.  And i finally did this past year . The toxic behavior i seen growing up and fighting i was projecting towards my husband the same behavior and i finally realized it was enough i was pushing him away i was hurting him in the same way i had seen growing up and i changed i let it go i seeked therapy and with time i began to understand alot more about myself and how my childhood had alot to do with that . My parents werent bad people and they loved us and they took care of us they just didnt make good choices at that time . I had to heal from all this trauma i cant keep holding onto it and being angry but what really agervates me is even after all this time and all of what i went through as a kid my parents addiction ended but the fighting never did still to this day i get angry over that because why after almost 30 years does it still have to be that way and not change. But i am to this stage in my life now i need to let it all go i need to be free i have to find myself my true self and thats why i started writing in this blog today . Its not be famous or to do anything but help me heal and maybe someone reading my stories or just the rants i have maybe it can help someone else heal the same way i need to . I created a small family with someone who loves me and does everything for me i could want he really does spoil me and ive lost sight of that . I am 3 weeks pp i had my son completley natural and i feel like it was the first time i ever felt alive because i mentally physically and emotionally felt emotion and that was a real true eye opener as well.  Ive held onto so many things that dont even matter i know today that it only made me who i am i dont really know who that person is at the moment but im ready to find her because i have so many goals and a future i can see ahead of me and i dont wanna be scared anymore to leap for that.